There is so much I want to share with you all, I really don’t know where to begin. I have written this post in my head a hundred times, but have yet to find a real focus for it.
Though, the words FULL CIRCLE keep coming to mind.
This time last year I was in a hard place. I was coming to grips with the fact that, though I had felt God drawing my heart toward homeschooling, I needed to spend time and energy toward becoming emotionally healthy before staying at home with my kids could be a viable option again.
With eyes opened to symptoms which could no longer be ignored, something had to change.
My oldest attended public school, I went to work part time, and put my younger two in childcare several days a week. Months later, I finally gave in to the inevitable and began chemical treatment for depression.
Here I stand, a year later from when the realization hit that I could not be the stay-at-home mom that I thought I should be.
And . . . it has been a good year.
A year of letting go of the ideals that I had made non-negotiable in my mind.
A year to truly see and believe that the “ultimate” mom is not the one who externally has it all together, but is the one who is ultimately and utterly dependent on Him, regardless of what life looks like.
A year to say goodbye to the feelings of inadequacy and shame if I can’t meet everyone’s expectations—including mine.
A year of freedom to be who God has made me—taking into consideration my chemical imbalance (and family history of depression), my drive to achieve, and the desire to control my surroundings. I gave myself room to be Katie.
A year to re-discover the joy of motherhood.
I feel a freedom, joy, and confidence that I have not felt in a long time
So, thanks for taking this journey with me. In many ways, the Lord has used you all to affirm that I am not alone in this struggle of depression and difficulty in finding a healthy place as a mom
It’s funny, ’cause after I finish this post, I will be heading out to a Classical Conversations practicum. After much conversation and prayer, we’ve decided that we will homeschool this year. I really didn’t expect this. I knew in my heart that we would probably end up educating our kids at home at some point, as the desire to do so still remained, but I really thought it would be a few years down the road.
He has been faithfully clear that now is the time. We will continue to take it a year at a time, and I pray He will grant me the grace to hold my plans loosely.